Home & Relationships

Keeping the peace shouldn’t cost you yourself

By Annessa Leigh, RN

Some of us are professional smoothers. We can feel tension coming into a room before anyone says a word, and we jump in to fix it. We change the subject at dinner, we say “it’s fine” when it isn’t, we take on the extra thing so nobody gets upset, and we swallow our opinion because it doesn’t seem worth the fight. Afterward, everyone else seems relaxed, and we’re quietly exhausted.

We usually call that keeping the peace, and from the outside it looks like kindness. But if you’re the only one paying for it, every single time, it might not be peace at all. It might just be you disappearing a little at a time.

Peacekeeping and peacemaking aren’t the same

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gave a list of the kinds of people God blesses. One of them is this:

“God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.”

— Matthew 5:9, NLT

Notice the words “work for.” Jesus is talking about people who make peace, which is different from simply keeping things quiet. Peacekeeping avoids the conflict so nobody has to feel uncomfortable. Peacemaking deals with what’s actually wrong, kindly and honestly, so things can truly be okay.

Peacekeeping says, “I’ll just handle it myself so nobody gets upset.” Peacemaking says, “This matters, and I care about us enough to bring it up.” One leaves the problem in place and buries it under a smile. The other gives it a chance to heal.

Abigail, the bravest woman in the room

There’s a story in 1 Samuel about a woman named Abigail, and she’s one of my favorite people in the whole Bible. Abigail was married to a wealthy man named Nabal, who was, to put it gently, a jerk. His name actually meant “fool,” which feels like a warning label his parents should have taken more seriously.

At the time, David, who would later become king, was living on the run with a band of men. They had been protecting Nabal’s shepherds and flocks out in the countryside, and when David politely asked Nabal for some food for his men, Nabal insulted him and sent them away with nothing. David was furious and headed toward Nabal’s household with four hundred armed men.

When Abigail heard what had happened, she didn’t hide, and she didn’t pretend it was fine. She quickly gathered bread, wine, meat, and raisin cakes, rode out to meet David herself, and spoke to him honestly. She even said this about her own husband:

“I know Nabal is a wicked and ill-tempered man; please don’t pay any attention to him. He is a fool, just as his name suggests.”

— 1 Samuel 25:25, NLT

She didn’t cover for Nabal’s behavior or take the blame for something she hadn’t done. She told the truth, offered what was right, and reminded David of who God had called him to be. David listened, thanked her for stopping him, and turned back. Abigail prevented a disaster, not by making herself small, but by being brave and honest.

She also didn’t keep it from Nabal. The next morning, once he’d sobered up from a party, she told him everything. That’s what peacemaking looks like: honest with everyone, and not carrying the secret alone.

Whose approval are you working for?

Paul, one of the main leaders of the early church, knew a lot about the pressure to make people happy. Before he followed Jesus, he’d built his whole reputation on impressing the religious crowd. Afterward, he spent his life traveling and writing letters to new churches, and some of those churches were not shy about criticizing him. In one of those letters, to churches in a region called Galatia, he wrote:

“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”

— Galatians 1:10, NLT

That’s a freeing thought. You’re not responsible for keeping everyone happy all the time. You’re responsible for being honest, loving, and faithful, and you can trust God with how other people respond, even though you can’t see how it will turn out.

A few gentle ways to start

If you’re used to smoothing everything over, speaking up can feel scary. You don’t have to change overnight. Try a few small steps:

• Notice what it’s costing you. After you “keep the peace,” check in with yourself. Do you feel relieved, or resentful and drained? That feeling is information.
• Start with something small. You don’t need to begin with the biggest issue in your life. Practice saying, “Actually, I’d rather not,” or, “That bothered me a little,” about something low-stakes.
• Say it kindly, and keep it short. Honesty doesn’t have to be harsh. One calm sentence is often enough.
• Let their reaction be theirs. Someone might be disappointed when you stop absorbing everything. That doesn’t mean you did something wrong.

One important note: if the “peace” you’re keeping is with someone who hurts you, threatens you, or makes you feel unsafe, that’s not a communication problem. Please reach out to someone you trust or a professional who can help you stay safe.

Peace that includes you

Real peace has room for you in it. It doesn’t require you to vanish so everyone else can be comfortable. Like Abigail, you can be gentle and strong at the same time, and you can trust God with the parts you can’t control.

Annessa